Serious Humor


Oct 31, 2010   Volume I  Issue 234

Environmentally friendly since late 1999

Made entirely of recycled bits & words 

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   Greetings from Long Island. It is been a little less than five-and-a-half years since my last Sleuth article but I have temporarily left the Witless Protection Program, where I have been working on regaining my health and my marriage to my artist wife, the lovely Cheyanna. Yes, we are still together yet and, though many of you predicted, she hasn't killed or divorced me yet, though I am certain the thought has crossed her mind more often than I would have liked. Those of you who missed me, lo these many years, will no doubt be delighted at my less than triumphant return. Those of you have said good riddance, and you know who you are GWB, will probably just delete this. Those of you have changed email addresses without bothering to notify me, or whose ISPs cannot distinguish between fine literature, what I write and those crazy Nigerians who all want to give me vast sums of money for some strange reason, will not be reading this so you can disregard everything I have said so far. In any event, for the rest of you, I felt it important enough to blow my cover long enough to comment on the upcoming election, which may be one of the most important ones in our history. Indeed, it could be the one to change our history, and not necessarily in a good way. So, I took the liberty of borrowing the bit from Jeff Foxworthy that he has successfully used to make millions of bucks and to bless us with the greatness of Larry the Cable Guy, to illustrate just exactly what is at stake in the next few days. If you will kindly indulge me, I shall endeavor to continue. Oh, just get on with it already!


    If you believe that Hawaii is not part of the United States though admitted to statehood fifty years ago and two versions of Hawaii 50 are not enough to convince you, you might be a Rep Neck.

    if you think President Obama is a Kenyan-born, secret Muslim, anti-colonialist, socialist who is marching this country down the road to Marxism because he is trying to protect us from the unscrupulous bankers, Wall Street hedge fund managers, health insurers, greedy irresponsible energy companies, etc., then you might be a Rep Neck.

    If you believe it is unconstitutional for the Federal  government to protect seniors and the disabled(full disclosure, such as myself), the sick, the poor, the unemployed, or you really don't want those benefits for yourself and your family as well, unless of course, you have already gotten them(Joe Miller, Sharron Angle), then you might be a Rep Neck.

    If you believe the First Amendment does not provide for the separation of church and state, which it does in the large print, or freedom of speech and the press no matter how unpopular(Rush, Sean, Glenn, et al.) or the rights of every American to redress their grievances against their government, then you might be a Rep Neck.   

 If you think that all people born in this country are not natural American citizens even though the Constitution says they are(the fourteenth amendment, you can look it up) or we ought to do away with that pesky clause because it allows people to become citizens who are not like us, then you probably are a Rep Neck.

    If you believe the Second Amendment, which allows Americans to have guns, gives you the right to show up packing heat at a peaceful public town hall meeting about health care or other issues, or to come armed to the teeth to a rally where the president is in attendance, or to threaten violence against our elected officials because they voted for legislation that you do not approve of or the person you did not vote for got elected anyway(Second Amendment remedies Sharron Angle), then there is a solid chance you could be a Rep Neck.

    If your family tree doesn't fork or you are watching a working TV that sits on top of one that is not working, you might be a Rep Neck and a red neck.(I just threw this one is an homage to Jeff Foxworthy.)

    If you believe that we should eliminate the EPA and all government regulating of companies so that they do not adversely affect our environment and that people should be able to clean up their own polluted waterways, atmosphere and grounds, even though that pollution was caused by businesses, or that climate change is just a myth created by liberal pinko scientists in order to sell wind mills and solar panels then my friend, you might be a Rep Neck.

    If you are convinced that we should be in a state of perpetual war so that war profiteers like Halliburton and Blackwater and countless defense contractors can continue to rip off the American taxpayer while grossly overcharging the government for their services and that Jimmy Carter was a bad president because there were no wars on his watch, or we really must have a military larger than the rest of the world combined, then there is a very good chance you might be a Rep Neck.

    If you are certain that all life is precious and begins at hello but it is OK to murder abortion doctors, who are providing legal medical services to women who voluntarily sought them, or that even if a woman becomes pregnant through rape or incest she should "man up" and have and raise that child, but the death penalty (and that perpetual war thing) is perfectly justified in all cases where it has been imposed, then you sir or madam, might be a Rep Neck.

    If you actually believe that FOX news is fair and balanced or even news, you might be a Rep Neck.

    If you think Christine O'Donnell is not a witch, or even if she is, she is Glinda the Good Witch, or that evolution is a myth because monkeys have never turned into human beings before your very eyes but you accept the Bible version, though you weren't present at the dawn of creation either, or that scientist have indeed produced "mice with fully functioning brains"(except for Peter Griffin, who did after all create Gladiator Mice) or that the earth is only 6,000 years old and Fred and Barney really did ride to work on dinosaurs, you could possibly be a Rep Neck.

    If you believe that there are gangs of Latino dishwashers, carpenters, farm workers, landscapers, handymen, chambermaids, food service workers and others doing all the other jobs over privileged Americans are clamoring for, are leaving headless bodies in the AZ desert(Jan Brewer), or that they cross the nonexistent borders of NV with Canada and Mexico(Sharron Angle), or that the "Dang fence"(John McCain) will keep out the actual criminal drug cartels and gang bangers who threaten our borders and tunnel under them, you could very well be a Rep Neck.

    If you believe the government really wants to kill your grandma(any more than you do for your inheritance) or would convene a death panel to decide which of your grandmas to kill(and would probably pick the poor one, darn your luck) but you know these death panels would never be effective anyway because the government cannot do anything right(which is why you collect your own garbage, put out your own fires, police your own neighborhoods and homeschool your own damn children while simultaneously delivering your own mail cross country, thereby saving that danged 47 cent tax they impose every time you mail a letter, and fight crime in your spare time, when you are not out committing any, that is, then brother, I am afraid you may just qualify as a Rep Neck.

    If it just makes your blood boil every time Ed Schulz puts one of your heroes in his psychotalk section, or whenever that Jew John Stewart has the Gaul to question the veracity(if you knew what that word meant) of one of your trusted news sources(of course you would have only heard about these things because you still can't get cable on your rabbit ears for some peculiar reason) than you may be joining the Rep Neck choir in the near future if your membership hasn't already been approved. Better hop in the pick up and drive to headquarters in DC to pick up your welcoming letter because they wouldn't pay the postage either.

    If you believe Michelle Bachman is hot and you haven't yet started drinking, or Sarah Palin is just too damned smart, and possibly a genius who would make a great president(because it's about damned time we had a MILF in the White House, haven't had once since Rosalyn Carter and she was a damned Democrat, for Christ sake) and Rand Paul is really an ophthalmologist because the certificate he printed up on his computer says so, then you are on the mailing list my friend, and the Rep Necks may just recruit you.

    Since we have reached the halfway point in our presentation, now might be a good time to take that potty break and/or possibly start composing that hate email you are planning to send me, or not. Break's over and we have just a few more to weather.

    If you believe Sharron Angle and Christine (I am not witch[and Nixon wasn't a crook either, he just resigned in case they had proof he didn't know about]) O'Donnell were anointed by G-d, as they claim, you might not only be a Rep Neck, but you really should get started on building that ark in case they were as Dec. 2012 is not that far off and if you wait until the last minute, Home Depot is going to run out of lumber.

    If you believe that Limbaugh, Hannity, Beck, Coulter and the rest of the Devil's choir should take over that Mythbusters show from those two queers from San Francisco, then you might be hankering to get on the invite list to next year's Rep Neck ball so you can watch Rush jump up and down again and make the whole room shake. I hear this year they're billing it the CA experience.

    If you are certain that fluoride was put in our water supply by those godless commies at the FDA in order to undermine America's dental industry, not only might you be a Rep Neck but you are at least five decades too late.

    If you believe that only a committed socialistic president would sanction huge bank and auto industry bailouts while simultaneously wanting to rid the world of nuclear missiles(Ronald Reagan) you might be on the Rep Neck recruiting committee's wish list. And if you pronounce it n-u-c-u-l-a-r, you'll probably get in.

    If you believe tax cuts for billionaires will bring your job back(just like it has for the past nine years that they have been in effect) and will be magically paid for without substantially increasing your taxes or whatever government benefits you might be eligible for or receiving, and the death tax will surely take away the trailer you plan to pass on to your kids(at least the ones you acknowledge) and that these billionaires will magically get us out of the greatest recession since the depression while we simultaneously fight two wars, and maybe a third one because Iran is getting pretty persnickety these days and needs to be taught a lesson, Yankee style, and we can do this without sacrificing a damned thing at home, well you may well be the new inductee in the Rep Neck club house.

    If you believe that Nazi re-enactors, prostitute frequenters, racist/porno email forwarders, witches, insane people and the merely demented make good candidates to govern this great land, then you may well be qualified for the Rep Neck dental plan(however you must provide you own fluoride.)

    If you think the president is a Nazi but supporters of Tea Party candidates who stomp on the heads of bystanders who disagree with their candidates(Rand Paul), or illegally arrest and handcuff reporters(Joe Miller), or even want to "Take out" a reporter(Carl Pallodino) for asking a legitimate question and exercising freedom of speech(that pesky First Amendment thing all over again) then you are not really schooled on who the Nazis were and what they did and you are a prime candidate for the Rep Neck movement.

    If you believe strictly in the Constitution as a sacred doctrine, except for the parts you don't like, well my friend, the Rep Necks want you.

    If you believe gay people chose to be that way(so they can get their asses kicked by you) and they can be cured or that if we allow people of the same sex to have the same legal rights as ordinary married people it won't be long until people start showing up in church trying to marry a turtle or an inanimate object and that would surely devalue your own marriage, then the Rep Necks are having a special this week and it's not too late to take advantage of it.

    If you believe that is right and proper that Elliot Spitzer(a Jew) or Charles Rangel(an African American) should be forced out of office for cavorting with prostitutes but it is perfectly fine for David Vitter(whore monger), John Ensign(adulterer, Fed law violator) and Mark Sanford(who hiked all the way from South Carolina to Argentina to cheat on his wife) to retain their government offices and even be reelected, then you might be qualified to join the Rep Neck brigade.

    If you think NV Latinos should stay home on election day in order to punish the Democrats(and coincidentally get Sharron Engle elected) for being unable to fulfill all of their agenda while at the same time, you should not stay home and punish the Republicans for failing to get rid of those pesky Latinos once and for all, then my friend, you may even qualify to run for office as a Rep Neck.

    If you are unconcerned that large multinational and foreign companies,(who want to take what remaining jobs are left away) and through organizations that front for them, like the misnamed US Chamber of Commerce and the so-called SuperPacs, that no longer have to disclose where their money is coming from thanks to the Supreme Court(damned activist judges) are funneling huge sums of cash in order to buy our elections and subvert our democracy, then pack your bags as you just may be attending next year's Rep Neck convention.

    If you believe that the publicly stated Republican agenda should by right and ought to be to continue to obstruct any and all attempts to fix the massive mess that they have caused and their only stated goal to make sure that "Obama is a one-term president," rather than help in creating jobs, fixing the mortgage mess so millions more do not have to lose their homes, and just in general genuinely being concerned with the problems of every day Americans that it is in their power to solve, then you are a great candidate for Rep Neck and will probably hold a major office in that organization.

    And, finally, I believe it is time that we took OUR country back. The loons have been having their way for far too long and it is time that we march to the ballot box and say in a voice very loud and clear "Not on my watch." None of us can like every kind of person that has emigrated to this great land, nor neither should we, but let us never forget that the original people who came here(and stole this land from the Indians) did so to escape the oppression of Europe and to practice religion as they saw fit, or not to practice either. And most of us came from ancestors who made that perilous journey as well. And, as all new comers, we were often met with discrimination and racism of one type or another. But we all persisted and managed to fit in so that our children could have a better life than we did. That is what made America great. Someone once said that America is great not in spite of it's diversity but because of it. I believe that is still true and we can become a great country again. Most of the world looks up to us and tries to emulate what we have accomplished. If we are to maintain our place in the history of mankind and to not only last but endure(as Emerson said, Faye Emerson, I think it was) then we must rise up as a people and earn that recognition, not by violently disagreeing with the people we are opposed to but by talking, civilly with one another again and trying to find ways to work out our differences to everyone's satisfaction. If we let the few crazies, who are too ignorant to know they are being used by the very forces they are protesting(we called the co-opting in the sixties) then we have no one to blame but ourselves. Before they take away our precious right to vote, which some of them are doing by wanting to repeal the seventeenth amendment, which enabled the direct election of senators by the people, then we as a people must speak load and clear and with one voice, "Not Today, Mr. Business man." Remember to vote early and often on Tuesday.

    I leave you with one last thought. If you vote R on election day, you are not only a Rep Neck, but an idiot!

And THAT, was my two-cents plain!


the artist formerly known as






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