Serious Humor

THE TRUTH LIESWITHIN

August 14, 2004 Volume I Issue 225

Environmentally friendly since late 1999

Made entirely of recycled bits & words

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Commentary

Every once in a while we get nostalgic around here and I thought it might be fun to explore some stuff from the past. When I was a kid, growing up in the late 1950s, my dad would sometimes blurt out, "Who wants to take a ride?" which would be followed by the refrain, "I do, I do," usually repeated three times by me and my two brothers. Back in the days when gasoline sold for about 20 cents per gallon, it was quite common to hop in the car and see where the road took us. Usually these joy rides were accompanied by the treat of eating out. Today, it is literally cheaper to own the road than it is to drive on it.

In my youth, eating out was considered a real treat by me and my brothers, unlike today’s youth, who practically live at McDonald’s. In those days, eating out was generally more expensive than eating at home and, with only one income to support us, we had to stretch our money as far as we could. No one could stretch a dollar farther than my mom. She was the master of fiscal restraint. Alan Greenspan could learn from her. In fact, he probably did. I have seen her make a salad to feed an entire family with only half a tomato and maybe two thirds of a cucumber. She sliced them paper thin, and not with a Ginsu knife, mind you, but with a dull paring knife that my grandmother smuggled across the border from Greece in 1916. What can I say? It was a family heirloom. Mom hated to part with anything that may have had some life left in it. When she passed away this spring, my dad finally threw away her collection of reusable plastic containers. You know, the kind that usually surrounds such things as margarine (which my mother, the butter consumer would never use, by the way.) She had a vast collection of containers from caramel corn. And a great many of the containers that once held wonton soup from Chinese take-out joints. These containers were given a place of honor, taking up one entire cupboard in a tiny kitchen with next to no storage space. The hard part of reusing them was matching the correct cover to the container. Once while digging through the containers for a matching set, I was stunned to find a one pint wonton container in her home from the On On Kitchen, a Chinese take-out place from Far Rockaway, NY. What was amazing about this find is that I found it in her home in Florida in 2002. My parents relocated from Far Rockaway to Philadelphia in 1980, taking this container with them, and then to Florida in 1992. This container has seen places I have never seen. In fact, I think it should have those stickers on it that people used to put on steamer trunks to impress others with all the places they’d been to. You know, the kind that say Paris, with a picture of the Eiffel Tower or Rome, with the Coliseum prominently displayed. Why anyone would take a one pint used wonton soup container all that distance and hang on to it for more than twenty years is beyond me. The last time I checked, these things are not in short supply and I have not heard anything about them being highly collectible. My mother had her quirks, for sure.

Not to be disrespectful, but sometimes she would carry the dollar stretching scenario a bit too far. I would often try to talk to her about her penny pinching ways but I eventually learned to let it go because she was not given to listening to reason. Correct me if I am wrong, but is it reasonable to buy square aluminum throw away pans at a cost of six for a dollar or roughly seventeen cents apiece, and then cook a roast beef in one of them and have my father, the dishwasher of the house, stand at the sink for about a half hour, scrubbing it with Brillo trying to get it clean enough to be reused? You know there is no way on earth that you could get all the meat drippings out of the tiny creases in the corners, even if you had an automatic dishwasher. Why use a throw-away pan in the first place if you intend to reuse it? That is what your real pans are for. I fear that she had never lost that Depression era mentality, even when they were better off financially.

So, you can see that going out for a bite to eat was really a rare treat. In fact, CheyAnna tells me that she never ate out in a restaurant with her parents until after she had moved away from home, and then, she took them out to eat. In fact, she said that she never even ate in a restaurant until she started dating. I tried to confirm that but she declined to be interviewed for this article. Now back in the fifties, there was an expression that had a much different meaning than what we impart to it today, especially given the scandal in the White House a few years back. The expression I am referring to is when my dad started a sentence with the words, "I’ll blow you to..." such as "I’ll blow you to some Chinese food." What that meant back then is "I will treat you to..." meaning he was paying. When Dad said, "I’ll blow you to some ice cream" we were all there, Johnny on the spot, whatever the hell that means. I guess, in today’s parlance, the expression would probably be said, "I’ll blow you for some ice cream." And, depending on who was doing the treating, I would be there, Johnny on the spot. I wonder what Billy on the spot was doing in the White House. Come to think of it, it was a spot that got him in trouble in the first place. Don’t you miss the Nixon White House, when all it took was a smoking gun for an impeachment? Nowadays they seem to need the entire spent gun and the spent cartridges as well. Standards change, I guess.

Now I do not know if this use of the blowing concept was a universal American expression or just a New York one. Perhaps it was only used by people from the Lower East Side of New York. Heck, it might only be used by my family, for all I know. I do remember my aunts using this expression, so I know that it was not just my dad’s idea. My grandmother never used it, to my knowledge, as she was so cheap, she actually washed paper cups and reused them. My dad said she also washed paper towels, but unless they were the "quicker picker upper" I doubt the veracity of that claim. Besides, a person that thrifty would hardly spring for paper towels when one could get a kitchen "shmata" (rag for the Yiddish impaired) for free from a no longer wearable article of clothing. My grandmother was not from the blowers.

I remember, as a kid, my favorite aunt would "blow me" to some ice cream now and again. Now that I am no longer a kid, I haven’t been able to get her to "blow me" for anything. Sometimes, it’s just no fun growing up. I think I shall cross her off of my list of my most erotic thoughts. You may recall that I have mentioned before that when I was a graduate student in psychology, I had to be "psychoanalyzed" (notice it contains the word "anal" in the middle, which usually belongs on the end, in my opinion.) The shrink tried to tell me that I had an unresolved Oedipal complex and that I wanted to sleep with my mother. I informed him that not only didn’t I want to sleep with my mother, but my dad, who certainly had first dibs, was not too anxious either. Perhaps, because of her frugality, she was not the blowing kind either. I did inform the shrink that I had an aunt that I wouldn’t mind sleeping with. I leave it to you to guess which one that might be. Let us just say, she was always kind to me. After all, she treated me well. So now I have left you blowing in the wind, which is better than twisting in the wind, or so I am told.

As you can see, eating out was a big deal in my family. So when Dad would ask about that ride, we were there. One place we used to go to was a joint called The Big Bow Wow in Howard Beach, Queens, NY. Yes, it is that Howard Beach. The one made infamous in the 1980s for the racial incident. But in the 1950s, it was a quiet bedroom community of NYC. I never really understood that term, "bedroom community." If you slept in the bedroom community, where did you eat? The dining room community? I’d hate to live in the place you went to the bathroom in. The Big Bow Wow served hot dogs and hamburgers. Another place that we went to was Weiss’ in Broad Channel, a poorer community just south of Howard Beach across the Cross Bay Bridge from Rockaway Beach. They were like Nathan’s Famous in that they had hot dogs, hamburgers, seafood, corn, etc. They also had chow mein sandwiches, which were chow mein on a hamburger bun with some crispy Chinese noodles sprinkled on top and lots of soy sauce. Health food for an unhealthy era but good stuff to eat, none the less. You never got this kind of stuff at home, I assure you. My mom’s closest recipe to Chinese food was what she called Chinese pepper steak, which she made with celery and no peppers. I think she may have sprinkled some black pepper over it to legitimize her claim but there were no green bell peppers, like you find in a Chinese restaurant. This was not very authentic Chinese food. In fact, I think you would probably come closer with a can from La Choy or Chung King.

Many years ago I bought a good wok and learned my way around cooking Chinese cuisine, so I can be more of an expert than just a guy who loves the words, "All you can eat" directly to the left of Chinese buffet. The best Chinese restaurant that ever existed, in my opinion, was a place called the Bamboo Inn in Hewlett, Long Island, NY, a few miles from Far Rockaway. You may recall in the movie, "Goodfellas" when DiNiro, Pesci, and Liotta beat up Billie Bats in the Chinese restaurant with the Polynesian-looking store front. That was supposed to be the Bamboo Inn, in reality. That is probably where these events really happened as much of "Goodfellas" is based on facts and the events took place in the "Five Towns" area of Long Island, not far from JFK Airport. The Bamboo Inn had a deal called the House Special dinner for $4.50 per person. Instead of the usual one from column A, two from column B menu($3.50 a head in the mid sixties), you paid per person, minimum two people, and you did not choose the dishes. What dishes you got depended on how many people there were. The more people in the group, the more dishes. They started with a pu pu platter, which had all kinds of appetizers, such as egg rolls, shrimp toast, chicken wings, spare ribs, and a little Sterno fire in the middle to make you feel important. Then they brought a soup called Young Chow Wonton. They brought a huge bowl of soup that was so laden with meat(shrimp, pork, lobster, chicken, and beef) and vegetables and won tons, that they had to bring a separate bowl for the liquid. Then came the main dish, a chicken dish wrapped in a filo type crispy dough. My parents were usually so full at this point, that they went straight to dessert. Dessert was everything. Scoops of ice cream in four flavors, Jell-o, almond and fortune cookies and, something you no longer see in a Chinese restaurant, my mom’s all time favorite, kum quats. Actually, that name sounds like it would go well with the blowing discussion we had earlier. ‘I’ll blow you to some kum quats." It kind of rolls right off the tongue, don’t you think?

Since my parents rarely ate the main course, they usually brought this home to me in an Irving bag, in lieu of a doggie bag. That was the only time I got to taste the food from the Bamboo Inn until I graduated college. Prior to that my mom would never take us to The Bamboo Inn. Her exact words were, "You animals are not worth $4.50 a head." Nice way to let your feelings be known, Mom. I mean, if you think about it, even though money went further then, it would have amounted to spending only another three dollars to take all three of us boys out to this fancy place over a traditional Chinese restaurant. So, is it any wonder I resolved any Oedipal complex I may have had at an early age? But, since I was the first one in my family to graduate college or even go to college, I was taken to the Bamboo Inn in lieu of a party, gifts, or in the traditions of today, a pair of fake breasts. It is still the Chinese restaurant standard that no other has been able to live up to in my humble opinion, ever since. Shortly after my initiation to this great restaurant in the winter of 1971, the Bamboo Inn closed. I have been searching for its replacement ever since, to little avail.

Now, I realize that in today’s two bread winner families, they don’t have the time to cook elaborate meals, unlike in my Mom’s day since she did not work outside the home. On the other hand, she didn’t have the convenience of so many prepared foods and microwave ovens that we have today. I mean, depending on how lazy and rich you are, you can go to a supermarket and buy meat and vegetables and clean them, cut them up and prepare a nice Chinese dish, as I do. Or, you can buy them already cut and cubed as "stir fry." Or, you can buy frozen microwaveable "authentic pepper steak" that is slightly more authentic than my Mom’s, with no celery in it. Or, you can take the crew out to Charlie Chan’s or some other mall Chinese fast food eatery or, better yet, a buffet, where they just get up and take what they want. No looking at menus and the bother of ordering food and finding out what anything is.

The jury is still out on which system is better but all this talk of Chinese food has made me very hungry. Who wants to go for a ride? The Irvmeister is blowing! Come to think of it, the way I eat, whenever I go to a Chinese restaurant, the food is usually on me.

And THAT, was my two-cents plain!

Irvmeister

the artist formerly known as

Meisterzingers

Back in the sixties, we had some cool anti-war slogans and posters. So, I thought it would be a good idea to bring back some of those ideas in light of the present situation but we, of course, should update them to reflect our twenty first century philosophy.

1960s Version: Flower power!

2000s Version: Our power!

1960s Version: What if they gave a war and no one came?

2000s Version: What if they gave a war and everyone came?

1960s Version: War is not healthy for children and other living things.

2000s Version: War is not healthy for soldiers and all living things.

1960s Version: Make love and not war!

2000s Version: Make love (with a condom) and not war!

With Malice Towards None

Recently one of my readers wrote me and told me how he appreciates that I always tell it like it is and that I stick to the truth without being hurtful. I appreciate that comment and I thought about for a while as I wondered why that is. Then I suddenly remembered the reason. I really have no malicious bones in my body. My ex-wife got them all in the divorce settlement leaving me completely offenseless. It could have been worse, I could have been emasculated as well. It’s a good thing for me that I don’t know what that means.

I Make This Stuff Up, I Swear.

For once in my life, I would love to be over the weather.

Why is it that where there is a will, there’s a dead relative, but where there’s no will, you die intestate? Now, does that make any sense at all?

Letters to the Editor

Re: Cell Phonies Sell Phones

Hi Irv,

I loved your cell phone story, although I am sorry about your trials and tribulations with it. I've avoided getting one because I didn't think I'd get enough out of it to justify the cost, even tho I really wanted one. I've had lots of frustration with dropped calls, since everyone I know uses them. Six callbacks from my sister in Cleveland yesterday, before we gave up. Here's a solution for you. Do you have The 99 Cents Only Stores in your area? They have phone cards for a penny a minute to anyplace in the US. Good Luck. Good sleuthing!

Lois Weiner

Thanks for the tip, Lois. I have found a much better solution, however. I signed up for phone service through my cable company and get unlimited local and long distance, and a bunch of other stuff I probably won’t ever use, for a flat fee of $34.95 per month. Can’t beat it with a stick. (-Ed.)

Irv,
I have Verizon, had AT&T and Sprint. I've had less problems with Verizon but only get a clear cell outside or on the throne. Oh it was just wonderful(???) talking to my two yr old granddaughter while on the throne! Everywhere else in the house the call cuts out after a minute or so. Can you hear me now Irv?

Diane Walsh
Mastic, NY

PS go into any mall, the competition is fierce at those kiosks where every company is set up with a booth! Give me good service AAAAGGGGHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Good to know that it works well in some Long Island throne rooms as well as my dad’s Florida abode. However, in my throne room, all I get is dropped calls. (-Ed.)

Cell phones are extensions of the ear and the people who use them look like creatures who are not human. What in the world does a mother with a child in tow at the super market have to discuss while shopping?
Ah, I know! She is probably talking to your ex wife. :))
When technology gave birth to cordless phones, we had the same problems. I remember my first one and I smashed it on the floor because it would die in the middle of a sentence. We have overcome, as you all will with the cell phone.

Shirley, Tamarac. FL

That’s why I use a headset. Protects me from potentially harmful rays and I don’t look so inhuman. So, are you recommending that we smash our cell phones? Did that work in fixing your cordless? (-Ed.)

I LIKE IRVMAYSTER...

Jeanne Peterson, IA

Then again, he may not. Thanks. I needed that. (-Ed.)

Speaking of which, see:

http://fgvanatta.tripod.com/onlyinamerica/kidphone.html

Seems grating minds sometimes run into each other.

Frank G. Van Atta

http://fgvanatta.tripod.com/onlyinamerica/

And the resulting collision would produce what? (-Ed.)

I'm with you. I'm with Cellular one and Kevin is with Cingular. I get service at our house and he doesn't. It's not great service but it is better than none. ANYWAY I'm with ya.

Heidi Burks, TX

You know, they do have family plans for you and hubby. It is possible you could save money and, heaven forefend, be able to speak to each other. Or Not! (-Ed.)

Hello Mr. Meister. As summer rockets along, I guess I should be happy that the cell phone coverage here where I live in Connecticut has never failed me. Take it to the bank, mister, when you want a good connection you get a good connection. As I.........say I always used to be........but then all........broke loose because of the momentary....................of it all.
Oooooppps, I think I'm losing you. Hello,
HELLOOOOOOOO..............

Peter N, looking for my exit.

Proof that one should not talk and drive at the same time. That is illegal in NY but, we are a state of lawbreakers. (-Ed.)

Very funny column this week, Irv, and confirmation as to why I have never owned (and never will own) a cell phone! BTW, did you notice the article on the AOL welcome screen entitled "AOL News - Wireless Carriers Leave Many Callers in Dead Zone" ? Hope so, because I lost the link -- but it was an eye opener!

How about this for your next rant?

ITworld.com - Users report SP2 breaks their applications

http://www.itworld.com/Comp/4063/040810usersreport/

I'm thinkin' maybe this will create your next phobia!

Hugs,

Ann

Alas, I did not see that article, Ann. But, I have no doubt about the dead zone deal, since I obviously live in one. The other article about Microsoft’s SP2 fix for Window’s XP is indeed interesting and I am including the link for my readers so they can read about the problems with that solution before installing SP2. Microsoft, unfortunately, has a history of problems, especially with security. The SP1 is alleged to slow up machines. I know that mine is considerably slower, and SP2 was supposed to fix that issue and not "break applications" as the article states.

As for your last suggestion, I believe I would have had to have at least one phobia before I can create my "next phobia." Though I have a graduate school education in psychology, I was not aware one could "create" one’s own phobias. The only thing that I have that might vaguely qualify is my fear of getting a phobia or, as we shrink students used to call it, phobia phobia. Will that do? (-Ed.)

OK,

I can't get a link on the "contact us" box, however, PLEASE, sign me up for the class action suit. CAN YOU HEAR ME NOW IRV???? GOOD..

Diane Walsh, Mastic, NY and Titusville, FL

Consider yourself the first class actor we have signed. Now then, what might we have seen you in? Is there really such a place as Titusville, FL? It makes Manorville sound positively high end. (-Ed.)

Hi There,

I just finished reading your column, or whatever you call it, but whatever you do call it, I like it a lot.:-) I was just browsing around your website and went to the one you wrote about hate and bigotry. I agree with you wholeheartedly about everything you said. I`m just sorry that you had to experience those things as a child and that any other child of a different ethnic, religious or racial background has to either. Its time to wake up and see what we`re doing to our kids. They are our future and we`d better prepare them for some bad stuff if things keep going the way they are now. I`m so afraid for my grandchildren and now my great granddaughter when they have to make decisions about their world. We`re not leaving them with too much are we???

Anyway, just wanted to touch base with you and say I really enjoy your writing. It seems either I haven`t been looking or I`ve missed it lately. I don`t get too much else on this addy so I don`t think I have missed it..( I mean just ignored or thought it was something else)

Thank you for once again providing entertainment and lots of things to think about. Some day I`m going to go the archives and read everything you`ve ever written, yeah, it`s gonna take me some time.:-) But I`ll get it done believe me!! My eyes are doing strange things right now and it`s really hard to see the screen or read anything for very long at a time without squinting or looking cross-eyed.....LOL Soooo, it`s gonna be after I see the neurologist and ophthalmologist next month, providing they can find anything wrong, that I embark on that venture.
I do love reading your take on things though, it`s very close to mine.

You and CheyAnna have a great day, what`s left of it.

Linda

Dear Linda,

Thank you very much for your kind letter. We do what we can with what we have. BTW, in case you were not aware, all articles are dated and consecutively numbered so you can see if you missed any. They are all put into the archives in reverse order, starting with the latest and working back.

Sorry to hear that you are having eye problems and I do hope that they are resolved real soon. Perhaps some day we will be in book form and who knows, maybe even Sleuth the Movie. After all, if they can put South Park on TV and the movies, why not us? (-Ed.)

WebMaster's Corner

Regardless of your position on the war:

Please

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