Serious Humor

THE TRUTH LIESWITHIN

July 19, 2003 Volume I Issue 201

Environmentally friendly since late 1999

Made entirely of recycled bits & words

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Commentary

Pity the poor telemarketer. Oh, I know you are all going boo right now unless, of course, you are, or have ever been, a telemarketer. In the course of my professional sales career, I was called upon from time to time to do telemarketing. Believe me, it is one of the worst aspects of the selling profession. It is part of that greater woe called "cold calling." Imagine taking a job where you have to be the guy who calls people at the dinner hour knowing full well that they will be cranky, annoyed, and not exactly optimal candidates for whatever it is you are selling. Why, you might as well be trying to sell your stuff by going door-to-door. Imagine how tough that would be.

In order to sell something, you have to somehow get in front of your prospect to tell your story. That is one of the hardest things to do in selling. I loved doing presentations, telling my story, lobbing my pitch, as it were. I would never sell a product I did not believe in, so it was easy for my sincerity to show through on a sales call. Not so easy on the telephone. After all, who welcomes getting a sales call on the phone? Most people would rather go through a root canal with no anesthesia. I can’t blame you there as telemarketers can be very annoying. So try for once to think of it from their perspective. You have a low paying job to call up people who you know do not want to hear from you and most of whom are going to be nasty and rude. You will have to talk to hundreds of these people all night, at their dinner hour, for that is when they are most likely to be home, and they are going to be slamming the phone down on you. This is definitely not a job for the thin-skinned folks.

Some telemarketers are obnoxious. Some are incredibly pleasant. I especially love those gals that work for companies like Time-Life books. They are so pleasant, smooth, and polished that you can’t be sure you are not talking to a machine until you ask a question. I so hate to interrupt when they do the pitch that well. Sometimes, telemarketers are nervous, especially when they are new at it. Who can blame them? That is why I am usually not rude or abrasive. Even when I am telling them to get lost, I do it politely. After all, it might their first day and I would hate to be the one that makes them quit their job. They must really need this job if they are willing to do this sort of thing. Sooner or later, they will get to talk to the rude and nasty a-hole who will open up on them with both barrels.

I hate these uninvited intrusions as much as the next guy, though I once overheard him telling the next guy after him that he would kill the next telemarketer who called him on the phone. I don’t hate them that much. I always try to be polite when I slam the phone down on them. I have courteous phone slamming down to a science. Actually, I think it is more of an art than a science. I always get those two things mixed up. I know that conning must be an art as we have con artists but not con-scientists. Likewise, bullshit artist, and trapeze artist. On the other hand, we have life science, political science, and high school science. These are never arts. Then we have medicine, which apparently can go either way.

Calling on companies is even more difficult than calling individuals. Most companies have "gate keepers." These are usually secretaries and receptionists who answer the phone. One of their responsibilities is to keep sales people from getting through to the decision makers. I can understand that these so-called decision makers are inundated with sales calls all day, much more so than homeowners. On the other hand, they are also responsible for purchasing products and equipment that their company needs to do its business. So listening to salespeople is part of their job. If they don’t like that aspect of the job, then they should quit. After all, how else will they find out about new products and services that may be beneficial to the company? Maybe they should take a job as a telemarketer for a while just to see how the other half lives.

As you must all know by now, the federal government, the great mover and shaker if you want something done efficiently, has decided to step in to help the poor beleaguered consumer and try to lessen the frequency of annoying telemarketing calls. Just because they received a lot of complaints is no reason for them to get off their butts and do something about it. They established a federal "do not call" list. This is similar to one that some states have established, like my home state of New York. The idea is you put your telephone number on a list that will be given to all telemarketers informing them that you do not wish to be called. What a clever idea. Give the very people you don’t want to call you a list of leads of people who have actual working telephone numbers. Why didn’t I think of that? You know, folks, leads are one of the hardest things to obtain as a salesperson. When you telemarket something, it is common practice to use the white pages or yellow pages for leads. But the feds are going to make it much easier from now on.

Oh sure, there are fines if you bother people who don’t want to be bothered, but enforcement has not been one of the federal government’s strong suits. Just look at what happened on Wall Street, a place that has been highly regulated for about seventy years. Since the New York State do not call list came out about two years ago, I have been getting about twice as many calls from telemarketers as I got before and I was one of the first to sign up for the list. Clever me.

Actually, if you register a complaint against a company who violates this legislation, no investigative action is taken. What happens is your complaint is entered into Consumer Sentinel, an online database available to civil and criminal enforcement agencies world wide. The Federal Trade Commission (FTC) does not even attempt to resolve individual consumer problems. But if there are enough complaints registered against a particular company, it could lead to an investigation and/or law enforcement action. In other words, they will file your complaint in the digital round file.

The really interesting part is who the feds exempt from the federal "do not disturb" list. Exempt from this list are politicians, charities, people doing surveys that do not entail attempting to sell you something, and any business that has had a business relationship with you in the prior 18 months. I don’t know if they have exactly defined "business relationship" but I am sure it is a very broad definition. So, the most annoying people can continue to call you with no problem. In fact, since these people are exempt, I would not at all be surprised if the frequency of calls from them goes up as they will probably employ more telemarketing techniques while the other companies look for other ways to sell their products. Naturally, politicians can still call you and bother you to death. The other weakness in the law is that it won’t take effect until the telephone has become obsolete as a communication method.

I will share a little technique with you that may help you have some fun with telemarketers. But first, you must promise that you will not disclose where you learned of this or I could be in very serious trouble. Since you are all my friends, I am taking a chance and sticking my neck out for you. If you did not have the Cojones to hang up on the telemarketer just let them do their pitch. Sooner or later they will get around to ask you a question. That is when you employ the technique. Just go Vinny Barbarino on them. When they ask a question, in as stupid a voice as you can muster, just answer, "What?" When they continue say, "Where?" On the third attempt answer, "Why?" After a few minutes of you doing this, I assure you, that company will put you on its own "do not call" list.

Seriously though, there is an fairly effective way to stop telemarketers instantly in the middle of their spiel. As you are aware from your own experience, telling them you are not interested does not stop the pitch, no matter how many times you say it. Instead, merely say, "Please add me to your do not call list." Astounding as it may seem, they will usually stop their pitch immediately, agree to your request, and hang up. On those occasions when they do not stop, simply repeat your request. CheyAnna swears by this. I have tried it with some success and some failure.

Another plus to this technique is that it applies to a couple of those categories of telemarketing that are exempted by the registry legislation. So you can use it to prevent future calls from a charity or a company with whom you have had a recent "business relationship." Unfortunately, it will not stop the calls from survey takers, but at least those folks are less persistent. Saddest of all, it will not prevent those annoying calls from political organizations that will soon be plaguing us as the next election campaign begins to ramp up. Oh, well, at least it’s fairly easy to hang up on a recording.

And THAT, was my two-cents plain!

Irvmeister

the artist formerly known as

Meisterzingers

Martha Responds.

As you may recall, I recently wrote a piece called, "Martha My Dear, In the Clear?" http://www.1-4cav.com/sleuth/1-198.htm wherein I took up the cudgels on behalf of my fellow Long Islander, Martha Stewart. Since Ms. Stewart has been loudly proclaiming her innocence and has set up a special website and e-mail address to further the cause, I thought it would be interesting to risk a libel lawsuit (though I am hoping that my article can be classified as satire which is protected by the First Amendment according to the Supreme Court) so I sent an e-mail to Ms. Stewart and told her where she can read my article, complete with all the pretty pictures. Can you imagine my surprise when on the lucky day of 7/11 I received a response from the diva of good taste herself? You know I consider you all my family so I will share with you, in toto, Ms. Martha’s response. Without further adieu, let me introduce the Queen of K-Mart shoppers, Martha Stewart.

Thank you so much for taking the time to visit my web site and write. Yours is one of nearly 58,000 encouraging emails I have received in recent weeks. Your thoughtful wishes mean the world to me. I hope you will excuse my delay in getting back to you.

As part of my promise to do my best to keep you informed, I am continuing to regularly update Martha Talks (http://www.marthatalks.com) with new notes, new photos and other new material as it becomes available.

Thank you again for your support. I remain forever grateful.

Sincerely,
Martha Stewart

Wow, 58,000 encouraging responses. I wonder how many discouraging ones she got. She certainly has many fans, doesn’t she? Excuse my incredulity here, but doesn’t this response seem a bit canned, especially coming from someone who has 100 different uses for used toilet paper? I mean, Martha’s stock in trade is that she makes the mundane elegant. So, how come she doesn’t know that Outlook Express comes with stationery? Not only that, but you can go to Microsoft’s website and download tons more for free. That is unusual for Mr. Softy. She could have personalized the letter a bit and made it seem less like a form letter, if she expected me to believe that she really was glad to hear from me. I read and respond to all of my e-mail personally. It seems to me that someone worth close to a $1 billion could take the time to read and respond to her letters. I mean, it’s not like she has to work, or anything.

One more thing. There is no mention of my article in this response. I don’t think she read it, do you? She could at least have told me how flattered she was that I consider her one of my most erotic fantasies. I think I am going to have to review that list and see if I need to make a change. As of now, Martha Stewart is on probation on my fantasy list. I’ll keep you posted if I give her the boot and let you know as soon as I have found a suitable replacement. If you wish to apply for the job, you know where to find me.

Sleuth Hank Rosenfeld penned this beautiful tribute to Buddy Hackett, who passed away this week. (Editor's note, it was this week when I wrote the article last week but, we didn't send it out because we were stuck on the one from the week before, which left me terribly weak. So, don't write in to correct me.) Ironically, Buddy was listening to a Barry White record while watching a movie starring Gregory Peck and Katherine Hepburn. What a coincidence.

Funnymen Grieving

By Hank Rosenfeld

The Encyclopedia of Jewish Humor includes fourteen pages of jokes on death, so when Buddy Hackett passed away in Malibu at age 79 last week, the chapel at Hillside Memorial in Culver City was packed with every comedy icon that hadn’t booked a 4th of July gig out of town. Sid Caesar sat up front with Jan Murray. Don Rickles was there. Norm Crosby, Tom Poston. Dick Martin from "Laugh-In" fame. With Shecky Greene scheduled to deliver the eulogy, a quote from Groucho Marx came to mind: "Reverence and irreverence are the same thing."

"This is a very holy moment in time," Rabbi Solomon Rothstein, a Hackett family friend from Fort Lee, NJ by way of Boynton Beach, FL, said. "It is dedicated to memory." Curtains parted, revealing a dozen different photos and portraits of Buddy, including a huge black-and-white creased and crinkled head shot dating from the "Mad Mad Mad Mad World" movie Hackett starred in (with ten other back-in-the-day Borscht Belters) in 1963.

"We are here to celebrate Buddy’s life," the rabbi continued. "We shouldn’t be asking ‘how did he die?’ But ‘how did he live?’ And it was his wish that when I say the name ‘Buddy Hackett,’ you smile…that you laugh."

"Buddy would have wanted me to tell a joke," Rabbi Rothstein said. "But I wouldn’t dare. There are so many here who…"

And then people got up to make the mourners laugh. Everyone who made them laugh got applause. Anybody too serious got bupkis. At a funeral! Buddy’s son Sandy Hackett is in the family business. He had just driven in from Las Vegas where he was performing stand-up. He poured himself a drink from the old man’s favorite liquor and delivered a eulogy that exemplified his father’s credo: "If it’s dirty, it’s not funny. If it’s funny, it’s not dirty." Among the cleaner stories he told was an old one about a mezuzah that was mistaken for "a Jewish dog whistle."

One of the great clowns of Hollywood, Hackett was hilarious both standing up on stage or slapping around in movies like "The Music Man," – singing "Shi Poo Pi!"— and "The Love Bug." And if Jewish humor is "laughter with sadness in the eye," the septuagenarian jester Shecky Greene had that look. Everybody who tells a Buddy Hackett story does Buddy Hackett’s voice, he said in Buddy’s slurry, side-of-the-mouth slapshtick. "I worked with man called Sinatra," Shecky told us, in case we didn’t know. "And Buddy was like that. You hear his voice, you know it’s him."

Jeffrey Ross, a younger shtikler known for hanging out with the alte cockers at the Friar’s Club, was touching and funny. "Buddy was like orange juice," Ross said. "He’d give you the ‘Hiya pal!’ and how could you not feel great?"

Buddy, explained Ross, taught him "how to peel the onion" in his act. "Planned chaos" was Buddy’s approach to life. And finally, he concluded solemnly:
"Comics by nature being competitive, I guess when the best one dies, the rest of us all get to move up a notch."

Buddy was mourned as a grandfather, a poet, an anti-depressant, and "a great humanitarian." (Hackett created an animal rescue assistance center with his wife Ivy.)

Back outside in the July afternoon heat, the writer Larry Gelbart and ageless Vegas entertainer Steve Lawrence circled close with Marx Brothers’ scenarist Irving Brecher.

"Let’s get together again," Brecher told his old friends.
"Not here!" Lawrence fired back.

The prophet Isaiah’s words extend from a wall at Hillside: "The Lord God maketh death to vanish in life eternal. And he wipeth away tears from off all faces." So do the comedians.

Letters to the Editor

Re:- An Explosive "In My Face" Fourth!

Re: Could They Make Them Any Worse for You?

Irv-

You went too far with the chocolate-covered chicken (by George)!

My arteries are closing up just thinking about it!

Skip

But deep-fried Twinkies are apparently not far enough, eh? Oh well. Sooner or later it had to happen. Would you have preferred a simple Caramel Chicken instead? Imagine how closed you arteries would be if you actually ate some. (-Ed.)

Hey Irv
Great story!
Did you have a big scar?

I saw a Grucci display July 5. It is Huntington's 100th year and they did the fireworks. I was right underneath it. Great show.

Sherri, Huntington, NY

Nah. Hardly perceptible. He did a very good job on sewing me up.

I am sure it was a great show. However, it pales by comparison to when they blew up their compound in 1983.

As kids growing up in the Rockaways, we had Grucci fireworks every Wednesday from July 4 to Labor Day on the ocean by Rockaway's Playland. The sponsor was Schaeffer Beer.

Once you've seen a thousand Grucci fireworks shows, you've seen them all, I'm afraid. (-Ed.)

I think I'll pass on that confection of chocolate chicken. Thank you anyway :O)

We had a fund raiser on the 4th of July. Didn't raise many funds, which doesn't surprise me considering my dear old Bill was in charge of it. Anyway, we had a boat load of wooden sparklers donated to us. I was in charge of lighting these things as firecrackers are not illegal in Texas. These wooden ones drop off their parts instead of just burning away like the metal ones do. So, needless to say I got a hole burned in my favorite shirt and got burned a couple of times by over eager children standing too close to me.

AND I STILL have sparklers left . . .

Heidi

You should have stuck with the Choco Chicken. Less dangerous. At least you didn’t get a hole in your face like I did. There is a good reason why these things are illegal in most states. (-Ed.)

WebMaster's Corner

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