Serious Humor

THE TRUTH LIESWITHIN

June 14, 2003 Volume I Issue 197

Environmentally friendly since late 1999

Made entirely of recycled bits & words

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Commentary

"When I was a boy of fourteen, my father was so ignorant I could hardly stand to have the old man around. But when I got to be twenty-one, I was astonished how much he had learned in seven years."
- Mark Twain -

Unlike Mark Twain, I am still waiting for my dad to wise up. I mean, really... He is nearly 81 years old and he still does the "pull my finger" joke which, by the way, he claims to have invented. Does he think that his college educated sons will still fall for it? OK. Two out of three maybe, but all of us? The only difference now is that he often forgets what he is supposed to do when we pull his finger. That’s good for us. On the other hand, these days he doesn’t even need his finger pulled to get the process going.

I look at my younger brother Jay, who is the only one of the three of us who has a son, and I see how much time he has spent with his son, Mark. Mark is the heir apparent to the Eisenberg dynasty. He has always known that he is the last to bear our banner. The future of the family name rests squarely on his shoulders, or more accurately, in his pants. When he was a young boy of about nine, he displayed the family flair for comedy whenever the subject came up that he would have to have a son when he grows up if there were going to be any more Eisenbergs from our family line after him. He would respond that he would wear tight shorts and eat a lot of broccoli based on an old Pat Cooper routine about how to make boy babies. Ironically, I have two daughters and my middle brother, Steve, has two daughters. The youngest one of the lot, Jay, has Mark and a daughter as well. So, he is the last hope we have if there are to be any more of us. Unless of course, one of our daughters gets married and keeps the family name, or enters into a same- sex marriage and is the dominant partner. Not that there is anything wrong with that. I wouldn’t want to take bets on which one of our lovely daughters is ready to make that move. So, most likely our future, like it or not, rests solely with Mark. Good luck to you, son. If the name dies out, we will be blaming you and putting as much guilt on your head as we can muster, so don’t screw up, boy. Not that we want to put any pressure on the lad, but I would hate to be in his shoes.

But, enough of that nonsense; this is about Father’s day and our dad. The point I was trying to make, and got off on a tangent, which is my wont, is that Jay has spent a great deal of time with his son. He takes him to ball games and plays sports with him. They watch sporting events on TV and curse at the screen together. I wouldn’t be surprised if in a few years, when Mark reaches the legal age, they share a couple of brewskies together. They would probably even share an occasional joint together if Mark would give up some of his stash. In other words, they do all of that father and son stuff that our dad never did with us.

When he was home from work, Dad spent most of his spare time sleeping on the couch. If we asked him to take us somewhere, the standard answer we got was"We’ll see." I now know that this was his way of saying "No" as we never got a positive outcome from that answer, without his overtly saying "No." By saying "We’ll see" instead of "I’ll see," he deftly managed to avoid all personal responsibility for avoiding his fatherly responsibilities. My dad taught us a valuable lesson about covering your ass and avoiding spending any time with your kids. I guess Jay, being the youngest, missed the value of those lessons and got stuck with actually having to relate to his kids. Steve and I had girls, so we had a natural out. Sure, they grew up in the seventies and eighties and wanted to play ball and do other boy stuff that now girls could do, but we were too busy getting in touch with our feminine sides and learning to play with dolls to play ball with our girls. Steve did buy his youngest daughter, Mandy, a toy motorcycle when she was young, but I think there may have been some vicarious living through the kid going on there. Then again, Jay may be hoping that Mark will become the athlete that he hoped to be. Me, I hope my kids grow up to be a bum just like their dad, and if I ever find out who he is, he will get his because he owes me a great deal of child support payments. You know, I just realized, thank God for dysfunctional families and nondemonstrative parents. Without that, where would we get all of our comedy from? Who the hell would laugh at stories of parents like they had in "Father Knows Best" or "Ozzie and Harriet?" Maybe in the 1950s, when all that stuff was hidden and seething underneath. It is probably no accident that little "Kitten" of "Father Knows Best" died young from a drug overdose. In the eighties, we got "Roseanne" for a mom. The times they were a changing.

So, by the standards of spending quality time with his kids, my dad sucked the big one. However, before he gets ready to beat the crap out of me again, let me say that I now know some things I did not know back then. When I was a kid there was a TV and print commercial that I related to. It showed a young boy about my age with his dad sleeping on the couch. The tag line was, "Why does Daddy sleep so much?" Of course, I have no idea of what the answer was or what the heck they were selling but I did relate to the image as it was very familiar. My dad passed out a lot. He didn’t drink or do drugs. He did come home after work, but he slept a lot. There are two reasonable explanations. The first one being that he suffered from African sleeping sickness but, since there were no Tse Tse flies in our neighborhood, that was most unlikely. The second, and more plausible, explanation was that he was always tired from working so hard. That is the more likely as he often worked two jobs to keep our family just above the poverty level. Well, maybe a few notches above, but we were definitely on the bottom rung of the middle-class ladder. Try as I might, I can’t find any fault with that. I am simply not that clever or insensitive.

What we may have lacked in a material inheritance or outward affection from my dad was made up by something far more valuable. My brothers and I learned to laugh and to make others laugh at the feet of my dad. People who know me, know that it is fairly impossible to get a word in edgewise when I have the floor. Unless, of course, we are on a serious subject such as medicine or the economy, then I am more ears than mouth. As far as motor mouths go, I am an Olds Rocket 88. But, compared to Max, my dad, I am an old VW tiny engine next to his Chrysler 440 hemi-head engine. When we attend a family affair. my brother’s and I usually are together on one side of the room doing a Marx brothers-like routine of nonstop comedy and puns, and their wives are on the other side of the room avoiding us. I guess they don’t have as much of a sense of humor as we would like. Or else they have heard it all before.

Dad has instilled in us a comedy tradition that dates back to his father, Moe(the Chink) Eisenberg. I have explained elsewhere how Moses, a.k.a. Moe, Eisenberg became known as the Chink on the Lower East Side of NYC and if you really need to know, let me know and I will send you the article. Suffice it say to he wasn’t Chinese. But my granddad was a class clown as well, except I fear he had little class at all. But I am the third generation and Mark is definitely fourth generation. I have seen some humor in the Eisenberg girls but nothing on the level of the men in the family. So Mark as a lot to carry on his shoulders and he does carry on a lot as well. We have a family tradition to uphold. It may not be a great tradition such as a long line of polo players, investment bankers, or even police officers; however, it is all we got. So we shall carry on proudly or not at all.

As the senior member of my generation, I believe the honor of passing the torch is mine, so I hereby bequeath to my nephew, Mark, my sense of humor and all the rights and responsibilities that go with it. Upon my death, Mark shall inherit the mantle of fool and comedian extra ordinaire. He shall wield these proudly else I shall return and kick his ass from beyond the grave. That is a solemn promise. There is one caveat. In the event that Mark or any of his family attempts to hasten my death by unnatural means or if any of the other nieces or my children shall protest this bequeath, then the deal is null and void and the family humor shall be passed on to Carrot Top, who is sadly in need of some sort of boost. If Carrot Top tries to whack me, then the humor shall be passed on to the next bad comedian on the list, which I believe is Pauly Shore; however, that is subject to change.

Thanks, Dad, for this awesome and grave responsibility you have left at my doorstep. I mean, I don’t have enough problems in life. Now I have to worry who is going to be the class clown designate for the next thirty years. Other dads leave money, real estate, or even golf clubs. But not you. You have to leave symbolic stuff. Have a happy Father’s Day. Thanks a lot.

Oh, and one more thing. Next time, pull your own damned finger! Or, better yet. Why don’t you pull mine for a change? After all, you have been pulling my leg all of these years and look what happened to my knees.

And THAT, was my two-cents plain!

Irvmeister

the artist formerly known as

Meisterzingers

Rosie O’Donnell’s Skooshy Ball Suit.

Here we go again as the litigious lawyers come out of the wood work. Though Rosie’s show has been off the air for more than a year now, she is being sued for $3 million by Lucille DeBellis of Hartsdale, NY, who alleges she has suffered painful swelling in her lips as well as lumps in her mouth and relationship problems as a result of being hit with one of Rosie’s skooshy balls that she routinely shot at the audience. Lucille was allegedly hit at a taping in November, 2001. According to a Reuters news article, "The suit alleges the ball was "recklessly and negligently shot" in the audience using an apparatus similar to a sling-shot. It further alleges that over the next several hours she experienced pain and swelling in her lips and mouth and that ultimately small lumps appeared in her mouth"

Reuters News Article

Now you know I am the last one to jump to conclusions in advance of all of the facts, especially when it comes to lawsuits, but come on now. How far are we going to carry this stuff to people with deep pockets?

My wife, Diane, had several instances of medical malpractice committed against her. Every time she went to see a malpractice attorney she was told the same thing. "You have a good case, however, since they didn’t kill you, there is not enough money in it to sue." When they finally succeeded in killing her, I was told, "You have an excellent case; however, since there are no small children left behind for the jury to feel sorry for, there is not enough money in it. It will take at least six years with appeals and you are looking at $20-30,000 in expenses and you would be lucky to see $150,000." Three of the top medical malpractice attorneys on Long Island told me the same exact story. I guess it was Diane’s misfortune to suffer and die from medical mistakes when all she had to do was get hit by a soft rubber toy by the right person. Or maybe, instead of having diabetes, she should have eaten herself to death on Big Macs. If only we had known in advance.

In case I have to spell it out for you, I am being facetious. I think we are going way too far here. Why did it take Lucille a year and half to come forward with all of these alleged injuries from a small, soft rubber ball? I think we should have warnings at talk show tapings that some activities may be hazardous to your health and may cause injury. The audiences will have to sign a waiver of liability before being allowed to attend future taping of TV shows.

I am willing to bet that one guy who will be watching for the outcome of this case with great interest is prop comedian Gallagher. If Rosie loses, and I am willing to bet she settles this nuisance suit out of court, Gallagher with think twice before he smashes another watermelon with his "Sledge-O-Matic" in front of a live audience again. Count on it.

The Age of Innocence II?

Say it isn’t so Freddie Mac. Three of Freddie Mac’s top executives were canned or forced to resign amid a cloud of scandal at the government-sponsored mortgage security firm. For those of you not familiar with Freddie Mac and his sister Fannie Mae, they buy packages of mortgages from lending institutions at discount and sell shares to investors to finance the deals, thus freeing up the lending institution’s cash to start the process all over again. Most conventional mortgages go through Freddie or Fannie. These quasi governmental agencies backed by the Federal government are exempt from the stringent reporting rules that are being imposed on public corporations in an effort to boost investor confidence in a stock market that has been rocked by so many scandals lately. If we can’t trust federally-backed agencies to be honest, whom can we trust, Martha Stewart? What is this world coming too?

Whose next to go down the scandal road?

The good news is that Sam Waksal, the founder of ImClone systems, and the source of Martha’s scandal problems, was sentenced to 87 months in prison and fined $4.3 million for pleading guilty to six of thirteen charges in regard to his insider trading scandal at ImClone. The judge threw the book at him and it is a heavy tome indeed. I, for one, am glad to see one of these guys get some real comeuppance, though I doubt that he will be going to a really harsh prison. He will probably be sent to one of those party-prisons they usually reserve for the over-privileged criminals of society. But at least he didn’t get some token sentence like community service. I suppose they wanted to send a strong message to corporate America that this sort of thing will no longer be tolerated. Personally, I don’t get the message. Sam did a bad thing, yes. But when I see "Kenny Boy" Lay and Jeffrey Skilling, of Enron, Bernie Ebbers of World Com, and Dennis Kozlowski of Tyco(who personally ripped me off, as I am a shareholder in Tyco) wearing prison pin stripes, I will feel a whole lot better than if they dress up poor Martha in such attire merely for lying. If lying were such a bad offense, then how come we aren’t impeaching any of our current administration for doing such things? That is such an absurd idea.

Letters to the Editor

Re:- City College Slickers

Dear Irv,

I can well empathize with your situation where you were wrongly accused of a crime you did not commit and then had to make restitution when you cooperated with the investigators. In my view the dude ranch had breached their contractual agreement to provide you with "sumptuous meals" as advertised in their brochure. The mere fact that they had fresh turkey and other delicacies in their kitchen that night indicates that they certainly could have served you something far more nourishing than fish sticks, a convenience food invented by Gorton to get children to eat fish. While it may have a certain value as a "comfort food," it is not nutritionally sufficient for the needs of growing, athletic, supple young college boys as you surely must have been. Especially if you were about to engage in the strenuous activities that an active ranch demands.

As far as your recent offer to provide me with conjugal visits in the unlikely event that I am unjustly convicted by the Feds, have you a recent photo of yourself? Do you work out? Have you managed to stay in shape? How about Stan Wunderlich? Do you have any recent photos and contact information about him? Just preparing for all contingencies. While I certainly am not promiscuous and do not anticipate having need of your services, you do sound very creative and I thought, if you were in the neighborhood of the prison, you might want to come and assist me in baking cookies for the inmates. There are bound to be many at that place and I don’t relish entertaining all of them without proper staff. Since you volunteered, I may be able to use you, I mean your assistance would be welcomed, though I doubt that it shall be necessary.

There is one thing I did not quite understand and I hope that you will be good enough to explain. Exactly what did you mean when you said, "I got your back, girlfriend?" Would that somehow entail me being face down perchance?

Thanks for supporting me as we fellow Long Islanders have to stick together.

Dearest Martha,

Thanks for responding and I want you to know that I am thrilled, neigh, I am in awe that you would take the time to respond to my polite inquiry knowing how busy you are, what with the fingerprinting and approving the mug shots and all. "I got your back, girlfriend" is a vernacular expression meaning that I fully support you during all of your travails and you can certainly count in me if you need my assistance. Or, if you prefer, you can be face down, though I think I would much rather see your face in the event it came to that. I am not like most shallow men of my age and status. I will, however, provide a bag for my own head, if you so desire. I know how these things can be and I would be more than happy to accommodate you. I would be thrilled to assist you and do your grunt work in preparing meals as I am quite a chef myself. I can cook hamburger helper from scratch without any help from Betty Crocker. And, as far as the grunt thing goes, perhaps later we can both do some grunt work, if you catch my drift.

If you are not busy this weekend, I am throwing myself a Father’s Day bash, as my ungrateful kids would not conceive of such a thing. I managed to get hold of some Jack Daniels’ Barbecue Sauce like they use in Applebee’s on their steaks and chicken. You know, the stuff is not too bad straight out of the bottle and a lot healthier than when you slather it on all that meat. Perhaps you would care to share a few bottles with me. Then I won’t need that bag over my head. (-Ed.)

Hi how are you?

Ira Roffel, Fairfield, IA

I am not too bad, cuz, and yourself? Haven’t heard from you in sometime and thought that you had gone farmer on me. (-Ed.)

Editor’s Note: Ira is my first cousin and I merely put this e-mail in here because it was a light week for e-mail and I needed some filler. Besides, we don’t have any other subscribers in IA and I was hoping to attract a few more. No one wants to be the first at anything these days.

Hi Irv,

I enjoyed the tale of your hijinks at the Peekskill Dude Ranch. Very funny. I am sure you were just trying to see if I was paying attention with the numerous typos so I just want to let you know that I was. However, I must point out something in the Martha Stewart indictment item: The FCC would have nothing whatsoever to do with the ImClone drug application. The FCC regulations radio, TV and other forms of communications - that's why it's the Federal Communciations Commission. I think you meant the FDA (Food and Drug Administration)which among other things reviews and approves drugs for public consumption.
But, then again you were probably just checking to see if I was paying attention. LOL.
Best regards,
Michael, The Hawk, CA

Dear Hawk,
I am proud to inform you that you passed the exam required of all new Sleuths. You have paid attention and you have found the "hidden" errors. It is sort of a "Where's Waldo" game that we like to play around here.
BTW, while you are absolutely correct about the FDA being responsible for reviewing and approving new drug applications, the sentence reads "Erbitux, would not be reviewed by the FCC." And, that is most certainly correct as the FCC would never be reviewing Erbitux or any other, drugs for that matter. So, you got me there, but I got you back. Care to try again?

Of course, Martha Stewart, a key figure in this scandal, being a TV personality would come under the purview of the FCC if they are looking to improve the credibility of TV personalities, especially those that use their TV shows to pitch their products, which would bring the FTC into the act as well.

And speaking of typos I believe the correct spelling or Communications is communications, as in Federal Communications Commission. If you are like me, and you eat while computing, you probably have sticky keys that are responsible for that type of typos. Try a little rubbing alcohol as it works wonders for that problem. (-Ed.)

Did you go to the Phi Lam reunion in April?

What's the difference between the e village & the lower e side?

GB, Long Beach, NY

Yes, if you weren’t there; no, if you were. I think I am on their "do not mail" list. Or, if I wasn’t, I am now. The difference between the E. Village and the Lower E. Side is six letters. V,A,G,W,R,D. Do the math and you will see for yourself.

E. Village

-Lower E. Side

VAGWRD

Of course, there is also a geographical difference as well and about $500 per month in rent as well.

(-Ed.)

For all you dads out there

Happy Father’s Day

For all you chauvinists out there

Happy Flag Day

If you happen to be both

Happy Flag-Waving Father’s Day to you all.

Sleuth-O-Grams

Congratulations to Sleuths Jennifer and Angela on their special day.

Good luck to our editor-in-chief and my special lady, CheyAnna, on her upcoming foot surgery on June 18. We are all praying for you and get those tootsies back on the roll again.

WebMaster's Corner

Regardless of your position on the war:

Please

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