THE TRUTH LIESWITHIN

September 21, 2002   Volume I  Issue 161

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Made entirely of recycled bits & words 

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Commentary

Yesterday, September 20, 2002, a date which will live in infamy, my colon was suddenly and deliberately attacked by medical forces of the Imperial Army of the Empire Plan of Blue Cross of New York. The buck stops here because, unfortunately, I have no one to blame for this but myself. I had nothing to fear but wear and tear itself. You see, boys and girls, yesterday I went in for a colonoscopy.

A colonoscopy is a medical procedure, which is what you get when you approach middle age, as opposed to surgical procedures, which come later, or earlier if you are the unlucky type. It is designed to detect polyps, colon cancer(which is very deadly), and other irregularities of the colon, which is that little dangly thing at the end of your large intestine. The colon is the part of the body that adds fragrance to feces and flatulence which is where we get the French word cologne, which literally means, phew. Without this device properly installed, you would not know if you were functioning properly in the waste management department. And you thought biology was a complex science. Here we simplify these things for you and put them in laymen’s terms. By the way, just exactly what is a layman? A guy who gets laid? Is the politically correct term for a woman a laylady? How come women are chairpersons and men are chairmen? Wouldn’t they be chairladies or chairbroads, or some other feminine term like that?

For those of you who have never experienced the delights of colonoscopy, I will take you through the procedure in a nice way. First, let us talk about why you would want to do such a thing. As you may know, I am a person who has been around medical stuff for quite sometime. As an active, dues-paying diabetic, I keep abreast (and other body parts) of preventative medical procedures, as I do not wish to suffer the consequences of neglecting to do so. Namely, grisly death. When it is my time, I want to go as I have lived, Lazily! In my sleep, dreaming of stuff I can’t talk about here with this august body. So I believe in preventative medicine. Some of my relatives and acquaintances have adopted the principles, "If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it," and "No symptoms = no disease." Alas, I have learned the hard way that it "Ain’t necessarily so." Many diseases, such as high blood pressure, diabetes and others, are silent killers. By the time you are aware of symptoms it may well be too late. The disease may have progressed to the point where it is more difficult or sometimes, impossible to treat. With things like cancer, you don’t want to mess around.

Katie Couric, the diminutive and perky hostess of "The Today Show" lost her husband, attorney Jay Monahan, to colon cancer a few years ago, at the tender age of forty two. She is very active in a movement that urges all middle-aged people to get colonoscopies in order to detect and prevent serious complications from this hideous disease. My dear uncle and godfather, Charlie Roffel, shared a birthday with me. My godfather, who I often refer to as Don Charlione in my writings, was a unique individual who has provided us with many entertaining stories of his exploits. He died in 1968 of colon and rectal cancer. He was 49 at the time. We share more than a birthday as I get my Kramdenesque shape from his side of the family, though my mother denies that I got any genes like that from her side. Ironically, the "crazy Eisenbergs" from whence she alleges I got most of my bad genes, are all skinny and more Chaplinesque. When Uncle Charlie died, he had wasted away to a scrawny nothing from the big, robust man I had always known him to be. My father’s side of the family has a history of polyps and colon abnormalities. All of this points to me having a even higher risk of developing problems in the nether area which is why I am so willing to subject myself to this procedure.

Now that we have covered why we should do this, let me ease your mind as to what is involved. The procedure itself is a piece of cake. It’s the preparation that will kill you. There are easier forms of colonoscopy today, such as virtual colonoscopy which uses a cat scan device, and there is another that doesn’t require all of the preparation I went through. I asked my doctor about those alternatives and his feeling was that they sometimes lead to false positives, and even if the positive was not false, they have to go back in and do a traditional colonoscopy to remove the problem, so why put the patient through it twice? Basically they are going to "scope your butt." The easiest and shortest route to the colon, is through your anus. They are going to stick a spy cam up your ass and have a look-see. If they find anything, such as polyps, they can often remove them right then and there, with no other surgical intervention. In order to get a clear picture of what is going on in your colon area, you need to be cleaned out of all, shall we say, extraneous material. Ah, there’s the rub! The day before you are going to have a colonoscopy, you can eat nothing but liquids. You can have yogurt with no fruit in it, or vanilla ice cream, and clear broth. For me, that is difficult enough. I was very hungry and had a headache all day. You cannot take aspirin or NSaids, such as Ibuprofen for at least five days prior to the procedure as they may increase bleeding. This is a common thing for most surgical procedures.

I had to have someone with me on the day of the procedure because the hospital will not send you home after you have been under anesthesia without someone to drive you, so I asked my friend, Fran, to stay over my house the night before. We had to be at the hospital at 7:00 A.M. and she has difficulty driving and lives about a half hour away from me in the opposite direction from where we were going. I picked her up and brought her to my house. I made her a lovely dinner of Boca Burgers and broccoli and for dessert, we had sugar-free Jell-O banana mousse, my own concoction(recipe available on request.) To garnish the mousse, I placed some banana slices on top. The mousse was her dessert but my dinner. Since I couldn’t squeeze clear broth out of the Boca Burger or broccoli, this was the only item left on the menu I was allowed to have. When serving it up, I accidentally got one banana slice on my plate. I was going to put it back and then I thought, "What the hell, one slice can’t hurt. How bad can one little banana slice be? It’s small and soft and should pass easily. Besides, I have been good all day and I am entitled to this one tiny little treat." I think I have made my case here.

The fun starts at around 4:00 P.M. when you get to stage one. You have to drink a bottle of what we used to call Pluto water when we were kids, Citrate of Magnesia. It comes in two fabulous flavors, Choke-U-Cherry and Liquidation Lemon. I opted for the cherry. It is a viscous liquid that starts the ball rolling in cleaning you out. It begins to work in about a half an hour.

At 8:00 P.M. you start the most difficult part of the procedure. Earlier that day, you added water to a four-liter or gallon plastic bottle to a substance called Colyte. The guy who got to give this stuff a name, had a wonderful and warped sense of humor as he called it "Go-Lightly." This is not named for the gal in "Breakfast at Tiffany’s," by the way. I guess they wanted a clever name and the FDA wouldn’t allow "Sh*t Your Brains Out." Believe me. You won’t be going lightly. At eight o’clock you start drinking the first 8-oz. glass of this very salty-tasting liquid. By the way, they do have four fabulous flavors that you can add, and you can even mix and match them to create an even more disgusting taste. It comes with four flavor packets, cherry, lemon-lime, pineapple, and the latest one, citrus-berry. I ended up with some combination of all of them. It was nasty just the same. You are supposed to down an 8 oz. glass of this stuff every ten minutes until you finish the whole thing or your "returns" are clear. Believe me, you will find out what that means later on. You are going to be drinking about 16 glasses of this stuff over a two-and-one-half hour period. Don’t make any major plans for the rest of that evening, trust me. I found that the best way to do this is to chug-a-lug the whole glass and get it over with. I downed the first glass at eight. Glass number two at about 8:10. Now mind you that I have already had several bowel movements prior to this from the Pluto water. And they were fairly loose, since I was on a mostly liquid diet. My stock portfolio should be that liquid and my returns that clear. Sorry, I know that this is difficult material to get through, but bear with me. It was no picnic for me either.

By the third glass of Go-Lightly, I was now running the marathon and in the home stretch. By the time I was ready to leave the bathroom, it is time for my next dose. My friend Fran, who was wonderful enough to be with me in this time of crisis, is very medically astute as she was a medical transcriptionist for more than thirty years. She made the suggestion that since I was using my bedroom bathroom, why not keep the bottle of Go-Lightly in there rather than having to run the thirty feet back and forth to the kitchen? Excellent advice. And right on the money. By ten P.M. I was fairly certain that I was going to flunk the colonoscopy because my colon fell out and I was sure I flushed it down the john. Does anyone out there know why they call it a John? If so, please let me know. Interestingly, that is the same name they use for a prostitute’s clientele. Coincidence?

I was sure that my "returns" were as clear as they were going to get by around 10:30 as I was certain that I was now urinating from the wrong end. Since they never gave me a definition of clear returns, I was going by common sense, which has no place in this discussion, believe me. I convinced myself that it was good enough and I didn’t have to drink the last two glasses of "Go-Lightly" as I was going as lightly as I have ever gone. Needless to say, I didn’t get much sleep that night as I was up about every ten minutes until 1:00 A.M., still going lightly. The mind begins to play tricks at this point and all I kept wondering is where the heck is this stuff coming from? Since it was mostly water, I assumed that it was glasses 11 through 14 exiting the system.

I was up at 5:30 A.M. and got ready for my big event. I did my shower routine and all of that jazz. I fussed with my hair as I wanted to look my best in the one-size-fits-all gown that I was going to be wearing shortly. Hey, you never know, the hospital may have let a pretty nurse sneak through somehow. As a man, we are always trying to impress the ladies. Some people have had bad hair days. I have had a bad hair life. But, the gods smiled upon on this day, and took pity on me, and my hair came out fairly well. I wanted to look my best in case this was my last day. Live every day like it’s your last because one day . . . you’ll be right.

My prior experience with this procedure was four years ago this week. The procedure did not take long, as I recall, but since I have deep rolling veins (they move about a lot) it is difficult to draw blood from me and get an intravenous line in for the anesthesia. My gastroenterologist, (the doc who handles this sort of thing) Dr. Berman, attempted for more than a half hour to get an IV into me. The nurse took a few shots and after making a pin cushion out of me, I was about ready to kill. They finally went in just below my wrist, where it hurts the most. The doctor told me that I had "shitty veins." Being somewhat medically astute myself, I asked him if that was a medical term, as I was not familiar with that one. I then explained how there was shortage of good veins when I was born, since most of them went to rebuild the master races of Europe after WW II. I also told him that he had made two serious mistakes. When he asked what the were, I told him that I was still awake. He asked me what the other one was and I said, "I can reach you from here and if you do that again, you will be looking for some new veins yourself." Don’t ever mess with a man who spent an evening going lightly.

After the agony of getting the IV in, the colonoscopy itself was a breeze and was quickly over with. I was given a four color montage of my colon, and was told it was in great shape save for a small pimple, which he removed. Imagine getting acne up there at my age. I used to show the pictures to women that I wanted to date to show that my colon was in good health. For some strange reason, they never seemed to want to go out with me. I cannot, for the life of me, figure out why. After all, I was up front and honest with them. In this day and age of disease and all, I think honesty is the best policy.

This time I arrived at the hospital at 7:00 A.M. and I had to spend a half hour filling out paper work. In essence, though I have insurance up the ying yang, (which I forgot to bring with me) I had to sign the standard promissory note of my first born child in the event the insurance company fails to live up to their end of the bargain. Where were they when she was little and not yet paid for? Then I wouldn’t have minded turning her over to them. At 7:30 the team was awaiting my arrival. I was given the embarrassing one-size-fits-nobody gown, opening in the back, naturally, as if I had a choice which part of my body I wanted to display to them. I hop up on the table where I was given a California-style greeting. "Hi, how are you? I am Dr. Killpatient, I will be your anesthesiologist." I replied, "I would be a lot better if I wasn’t here, but I am Mr. Deadpatient and I will be your victim, er...patient this morning." I proceeded to give my threats about my rolling veins and that I have been known to abruptly end the careers of doctors who screwed around in that area. I then implied that I was related to Tony Soprano, hoping he didn’t get HBO. Hey, I was under stress and that was the best I could come up with under the circumstances. Let’s see you do better in the same situation. He went right for the wrist and after I stopped screaming and whining like a baby, he apologized but, to his credit, he did get the IV in on the first try. Dr. Berman came in, and the next thing I knew I was in recovery. They had given me something called fentenol and vodka or something, and I must have passed out immediately. I don’t remember a thing. They allowed Fran into the recovery room after I woke up and I asked her what time it was, since they had taken my watch along with my clothes. She informed me that it was ten to eight and I said, "You’re kidding, right?" I couldn’t believe that I was out for only ten minutes and that was the whole big deal. They kept me for a while and then Dr. Berman came in and gave me my complimentary souvenir four-photo montage of my colon and said it was clean as a whistle. Well I surely hope so. After all, I used Go-Lightly and went heavily.

There were only two minor problems. "What’s that?" I inquired. "You have hemorrhoids," he said, "which is quite common as you get older." "OK. And what is the other problem?" He replied, "You had a small piece of banana stuck up there. Any idea how that happened?" I sheepishly replied, "Not a clue." Touché, doc. He said, "See you in four or five years." I made a beeline for the door, clutching my souvenir photo in my hand.

The preceding account was a dramatization of actual events that took place in my life. Their purpose was to entertain and to inform. Colonoscopy is a simple but effective procedure for the early detection of colon cancer, a dangerous and deadly disease. We of the Sleuth family have always believed that an ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure and that early detection is the best chance you have of staying healthy and living a long and productive life. If you or a loved one is at risk for any disease, please consult your physician and take the necessary steps to detect and treat illness before it becomes too difficult.

We love you and want to continue to share laughs with all of you. God knows, in this day and age, we all need that.

Stay well, my friends.

And THAT, was my two-cents plain!

Irvmeister
The artist formerly known as

Meisterzingers

Welch’s Juice. What Price Love?

Retired GE CEO Jack Welch has come under fire recently when a messy divorce made public his retirement package from the economics powerhouse. It seems old Jack brought better things to life when he found a better honey than the one he was married to. At least he thought so, as he gave up some of the multimillion dollar perks that the company gave him as a bon voyage present when his current wife made public the details of his retirement package while seeking her share of the goodies. Among some of the benefits that Jack would have received are about $9 million a year in cash, fancy apartments and houses in New York and elsewhere, the use of a private jet at his beck and call, and tickets to every major cultural and sporting event imaginable. Since he can’t be in two places at once, I wonder if he is allowed to scalp the tickets to the event he doesn’t attend when it occurs at the same time as one he does want to attend. Even though his deal is legitimate and legal, to avoid the appearance that he is scalping the stockholders, Jack willing gave up many of his bennies. He is keeping the honey on the side, though. Talk about Welch-Aid.

Whoever said you can never go home again is full of beans. Of course you can. I do it all the time. As long as you know the way!

Thanks to Ken DeBusk of Sturgis, MI for the following, though we don’t know who actually wrote it.

September 11: Enough Day

Bush, acting upon a joint resolution of Congress, has declared September 11 to be Patriot Day. According to his proclamation, we're supposed to "... observe this day with appropriate ceremonies and activities..." and to "... display the flag at half-staff from their homes and observe a
moment of silence at 8:46 a. m. EDT," this in honor of the Americans who died in the terrorist attack.

You know, personally I think this idea is just awful and inappropriate. I have a better idea, so I'm making a proclamation of my own, which of course is completely unendorsed by any US politicians I'm aware of.

I'm declaring September 11 "International Enough Day." Enough flag-waving, enough violence, enough nationalism. Enough already! September 11 was not an American tragedy... it was a human tragedy. It was a tragedy not
just for the people in the US who died, but for every innocent person killed as a result of the US reaction to the attacks as well. It was a tragedy for the human spirit, regardless of nationality, religion, and anything else.

On September 11, let's say "Enough." No more killing.
Let's remember not only the victims of the hijacked airplanes in the US, but of the embassy bombings in Kenya and Tanzania in 1998.

Let's remember all the Israelis killed by Palestinian bombers and all the Palestinians killed by Israeli troops.

Let's remember all the innocent people slain by Union Carbide in Bhopal, India in 1984.

Let's take the day to contemplate the people who've been victims of genocidal warfare in Africa, and the ones who've starved to death because of political games as well.

Let's remember the victims of the Holocaust and of the firebombing of Dresden, too.

Let's not forget those who were slain in the My Lai Massacre.

Instead of waving the flag of one nation and thinking only about our own dead, let's make September 11 a day to remember all the people who've died at the hands of someone else's political agenda through no fault of their own, and let's say "enough".

We should stand up and disavow this, no matter what country we're in, no matter what religion we are, no matter our political affiliation or status or race or anything else.
If we had a moment of silence marking the time of every atrocity ever committed in the name of nationalism, religion ... every atrocity committed in the name of the artificial borders that try to make us forget that we're all human, all in this together, all fragile creatures whose lives can be snuffed out in an instant through no fault of our own ... then we would never speak again.

So we here in America should, I think, observe September 11 as the day when the nightmares that humans around the world have been living with for decades came lumbering ashore on the East Coast of the US.

We should see it for what it is; the day the US truly experienced the horror that rings like a bell around the globe, from South America to the Middle East to Micronesia, the day we joined the human race at a most profound and fundamental level.

There should be no "Patriot Day," no day to further emphasize that we're different. Instead, let's say "Enough." Enough of putting the interests of any one nation above the interests of the human race. Enough dwelling on our small differences. Enough killing each other over them. Enough
hate, enough fear, enough hunger, enough violence, enough bombing, enough enough enough ENOUGH.

We should each find our own way of expressing this. A moment of silence... or perhaps a day of silence. Meditation, art, whatever it is that you do... do it. Take the day to celebrate the lives of all of us -- wherever we're from and whatever we believe - who are still here, and think on those
- wherever they were, whenever they were and whatever they were - who weren't so lucky.

Take the day to remember the fragility of human life and all the nightmares wrought by those who wanted to impose their will upon the whole of humanity. Commit no act of violence, however small. Let go of any hatred and prejudice and thirst for revenge and, for one day, see yourself in the other and the other in yourself. Do whatever you do, and do it to say ENOUGH. and let's pray that GOD BLESS ALL HUMANITY... not just America!

Letters to the Editor

Re:- Will Healing Come From a New Kind of Normal?

Hi Irv,

I totally wondered WHY there was so much on the media regarding September 11. I know it was an important date to the families that were involved and lost loved ones. I know it was an important date to me as to why someone would plan and do such dastardly things in my country, but I think that the families involved would have preferred to do their grieving privately. What kind of message have we sent to those who did plan this--that they hit us below the belt and we celebrate it?

Jerry M.

Rochester, NY

Now you know. The administration has been pushing this jingoistic chauvinism(yes it had a name prior to be adopted by males) so it can get the country in the mood to kick some Iraqi butt. Of course, these are the same guys who profited greatly after the last Iraqi butt kicking, so perhaps they need to replenish their portfolios.(-Ed.)

While the media was rehashing and rehashing 9/11 . . . my thoughts were with my friends who lost their son and have to listen to the whole episode rehashed over and over . . . I decided not to even call them . . . it's difficult enough for them and others. Yes, I agree with you about putting my mind to other things. Since I'm retired in FL decided to volunteer to tutor the illiterate in a Broward County Library program. That is something positive. I am powerless over so much in life . . . and today know it is not necessary for me to UNDERSTAND everything . . . what I do know is that is important for me to change the things I can change . . . and that lies mostly within me and just daily chores. Thanks for all your messages.

Jean, Fl

You are correct in following the wisdom of St. Francis of Assisi. I used his Serenity Prayer on the Prayer Cards at my wife's funeral as I too believe in it. (-Ed.)

A very moving and well written article. I personally agree about the continuous rehashing...it's like a ploy to continually break us down emotionally...for what purpose I'm not sure...I guess we'd have to monitor the commercials for that. I have not been able to look at the pictures without crying and experiencing intense grief. Perhaps it's personal...a loss of innocence...the sharp changes in my own life....the feeling of anticipated danger that takes up a space that was used for creativity or something life giving...in any case, I have chosen not to engage in the public teeth gnashing and public suspicion of people of middle eastern decent...I am just quietly becoming an Archie Bunker mumbling to myself about anyone that doesn't look like I think they should...

Allegra Schneider, Fl

Yeah, it was good for me too. (-Ed.)

You had the wrong year, 03 will be next year, so we will see how they
celebrate it then.
Florence Peress, Cedarhurst, NY

Busted. Thanks for being so observant. We encourage that kind of thing around here. (-Ed.)

9-11 is a day when all of us are New Yorkers. I'm with you, Pal.

GEM, TX

Thanks, but if I had a choice, I think on that day I would have preferred to be something else. Maybe even a Texan. (-Ed.)

Thought this one was great. I really looked into my heart, I hope I will always just have love there.

Thanks
Carol Cox, North Port, FL

Me too. Thanks Carol. (-Ed.)

Thank you for saying the media has overwritten on Sept. 11. Why do we dwell on such a tragedy and tell the Afghans that we do?

Jerry M.

Dear Jerry,

You are welcome. We are at heart a compassionate nation, and I cannot fault us for that, but I cannot be certain of the motives of the media. Call me a cynic if you will, but then I, like a lot of Americans, bought into the dream deal and lost a great deal of faith. Besides, a little healthy cynicism never hurt anyone. (-Ed.)

Once again, Irv, you've hit at least most of the nails on the head. I
hated watching it all again. I look at life somewhat like driving a car:
you can look ahead through the windshield or you can look in the rear-view
mirrors. If you spend all your time looking behind you, it is almost
certain you will miss something (either good OR bad) in front of you with
unknown, but usually bad, results. You can't change the past, and you
shouldn't forget it either, but if you drive like I do, you look out the
front a LOT more than you do into the mirrors.

Ken DeBusk
Sturgis, Michigan

Thanks Ken,
I would disagree with only one thing you said though. "If you spend all your time looking behind you, it is almost certain you will miss something" I am fairly certain that if you spend all of your time looking behind you when you drive, you will HIT something.
(-Ed.)

A proud member of the Net Wits, well not too proud because I joined anyway since the dues were cheap.

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